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Health & Fitness

Taking the 9 Criteria One at a Time: Rejecting or Spurring

This is a continuation of the article, Criteria for Psychological Abuse where I take each of the 9 criteria and explain it a bit more in depth.

Taking the 9 Criteria One at a Time:

 

1) Rejecting or Spurring

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When a parent REJECTS a child/ren it devastates that child emotionally.  This is especially true when the child is being rejected for showing any love or affection for the Targeted Parent whom the aggressive parent sees as the enemy.   The aggressive parent is falsely teaching that when a relationship ends, that it is all out war, instead of teaching the child a healthy response to natural changes in life.  In doing this, it also makes the child feel like they are no good unless they follow the aggressive parent’s lead.  The child becomes bullied by the aggressive parent.  It the child shows any positive attention or makes any positive comments about the targeted parent, the aggressive parent withdraws their love and support of the child, making the child feel lost and alone.

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A rejected child will feel discarded, used, not loved and not needed because of this rejection.  They are desperate for the aggressive parents love and attention, while fearing that this same parent will abandon them.  A child will do just about anything to get the aggressive parent to not reject them and show them love.  In effect, the aggressive parent is creating an unnatural fear of them and fear of the targeted parent.  Fear of the aggressive parent is that this parent will hurt them and not love them if they love the other parent.  And fear of the targeted parent if they show any love for them because it will set off the aggressive parents rejection of them.

This rejection by the aggressive parent makes the child feel insignificant and worthless. They feel pushed aside, disregarded, lost and unloved.  It creates an unrealistic fear that if they are not perfect in the aggressive parents eyes, then they are not any good and will be abandoned and alone.  This creates extreme low self-esteem for the child who now believes they are no good if they are not perfect.  And since deep down inside they still love the targeted parent but just cannot show it, it makes them feel subconsciously not perfect.  The child will do anything to avoid this emotional pain and gain the aggressive parents love, even if it means they must rebuff and turn the rejection around onto the other parent. 

In effect, the aggressive parent has now just taught the child that if they want their love, they must reject the targeted parent.  The children take this to heart and instead learn that love is based not on open-ended love, but that they can only love one thing at a time and under the condition that this one thing only loves them back.  In fact, this child will take this attitude into their personal intimate relationships, making true unconditional love impossible.

Unfortunately, this conditional love from the aggressive parent is based on only one thing, that the child hates the other parent and never has anything to do with them.  This sets the child up to fear loving the other parent or risk loosing the aggressive parents love.  In the child’s heart, they know that the targeted parent loves them unconditionally, but they are not allowed to have the same love for them.  They know that the aggressive parent only loves them under one condition and that is the hatred of the other parent.  They are terrorized into loving the aggressive parent and hating the targeted parent.  This is a form of psychological abuse.

Next topic, Terrorizing.

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