When is a Step Parent Not a Step-Parent? When They Usurp the Biological Parents Rights

When is a Step Parent Not a Step-Parent? 

When They Usurp the Biological Parents Rights

By Joan T. Kloth-Zanard

October 2012

Not all stepparents are created equal.  Some are great and understand their role as an adjunct parent to the biological parents.  They know that they are not the children’s natural parent but that they can help with the care and raising of the children.  They know that they should never try to supplant the biological parent and nix them out of the picture.

And then there are those stepparents for who being a parent is a chance at another family or for that matter a family they could never have.  They think they have the right to replace the natural and biological parents.   They do not think twice about taking over a natural parent’s rights to be a parent for their child.  They do not think twice about what the affect of becoming the surrogate parent and excommunicating the biological parent would have on the children’s lives.  They do not think twice about what this might do to the dynamics of the children’s relationship with their natural parent.  They just don’t think about the children, only about their needs, wants and desires.

If you are in an after relationship, i.e. a relationship after the break down of an intimate relationship, and your new partner seems to be getting too involved in the care of your kids, you should be suspicious.  This is especially true if the biological parent is still around in the children’s lives.  If this new partner starts creating entire rooms in their homes for your children that they barely know, this is a red flag.  If they start taking them on extravagant vacations, buying them things they do not need, catering to your children’s every unnecessary whim, be suspicious.  If you find yourself having to replace your children’s other natural parent’s pictures with pictures of your new partner, be careful.  These are just some of the signs that your new partner is a control freak and is going to cause extreme trauma for you and your children’s other parent.  This is a red flag that your new partner is going to alienate your children from their biological parent.

But the partner or stepparent is not the only one at fault.  The other half of this expired relationship should have recognized that something was not quite right when their new intimate partner was superseding and walking all over their children’s biological parent’s memory.  This parent is allowing the alienation to occur and is just as culpable as an aggressive/alienating parent (AP).  The AP should realize that when a new partner starts to control aspects of their lives that something is wrong.  The AP should realize that if their new partner is screaming rude comments at them while on the phone with their ex-spouse that something is wrong.  They should realize all on their own that disassociating and removing a child’s biological parent from their lives was just not normal and would cause excruciating pain for all of them.

Presently, there is a case on going in the New Haven family courts in which a father’s ex-wife, the mother of his three children, has allowed her new boyfriend, to usurp the children’s biological father.  The new boyfriend has been permitted to insert himself into the children’s lives, replacing their biological father.  This stepfather has literally supplanted himself into the children’s live as their Daddy.  Within months of the biological parents initial separation, the mother’s boyfriend had purchased brand new furniture such as double/twin bunk beds to create a room just for the children in his condo.  Within months of the separation, this boyfriend had all of the pictures with their biological father taken down in the marital home and replaced with his picture.  Within months of the separation, this boyfriend was taking the kids on extravagant vacations and buying the kids extravagant gifts.  Within months, this boyfriend was sleeping in the marital bedroom, despite the fact that the biological father was still using that same bedroom on his court ordered visitation weekends with the children.

Even the professionals, including an evaluator and counselor, were concerned about the speedy introduction and insertion of the new boyfriend into the children’s lives.  What if this new boyfriend did not stick around or last?  This would mean another major loss in the children’s lives.   Even more damaging was lack of adjustment time for the children to their parent’s separation and impending divorce.  At the time the children were only 6 years old.  This sudden introduction of a new boyfriend as their father caused confusion and stress as they were now questioning everything, including who was supposed to be their Daddy.   The mother and the new boyfriend were told about these concerns but instead continued to tryst and alienation of the kids from their father.  This became even more solidified with the re-marriage of the mother to the new boyfriend, causing the ultimate and unnecessary alienation of the biological father from his children.  These professionals knew what the consequences of bringing a new intimate relationship into the children’s lives so quickly would do, but both the mother and her boyfriend gave no regard to these professionals apprehensions.

Worse, despite these serious concerns from both of the professionals over the mother’s addition of a new boyfriend, the Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) showed no concern.  The GAL ignored that this new boyfriend was trying to and succeeding to exile the children’s natural father from their lives.  This GAL could not see that this new boyfriend’s quick replacement of the children’s father would and was causing extreme confusion and problems for the children.  The GAL could not see that despite a lack of accusations of abuse or neglect that the new boyfriend was systematically, with the mother’s support, replacing the children’s father in their life.  The GAL refused to even accept the Family Court Evaluator and counselors reports and observations that ‘it was too soon for the mother to be bringing a new man into her children’s lives and in this manner.’

In contast, I asked the biological father at what point did he introduce his significant other to the children.  His answer was that he dated his present girlfriend for almost two years before introducing her to the children.  In fact, the biological father was so concerned about the affects of bringing a new person into the children’s’ lives that he sought the advice of a professional counselor as to the timing of announcing a new intimate relationship to his children.  His counselor gave him the exact same advice that he followed.  The biological father did the responsible parenting thing, even when it meant that he was away from his girlfriend for extended periods of time. They were doing what was in the best interest of the children.

So the question to ask is, who was the driving force in the attempted severing of the relationship between the children and their father?  Was it the mother, who now had a new boyfriend?  Or was the new boyfriend, the instigator of this change in dynamics?  During a recent interview, the biological father voiced his opinion and feelings that much of the current alienation seemed to be attributed to poor parental decisions made by both the mother and the new boyfriend.  He holds them both responsible.  From his perspective, either the mother or the new boyfriend could have spoken up and said that what was going on.  Either one could have said to the other, “Hey, stop, the kids need their father in their lives.”

In reality, it seems that both the mother and the now new stepfather should be held accountable for the alienation.  The mother could have easily told the stepfather to back off that the kids needed their father, but she did not.  And the stepfather could have just as modestly stated to the mother, that she needed to stop preventing the father from being in the children’s lives.  In the end, maybe this is a tag team effort by the mother and the new boyfriend to remove the children’s father from their lives.  But at what cost?  At the cost of the children’s mental emotional health and a relationship with their biological father?  The courts, GALs and counselors need to start considering that there is often more than one dynamic involved in these cases and that not all stepparents are created equal or psychologically safe for the kids.