IAR Administrators, Youth Officer Talk About Bullying

At a meeting with parents Friday, Irving A Robbins Middle School Principal Kelly Lyman said most of the behaviors referred to as bullying are an inevitable part of 12- and 13-year-old life.

“Part of being 12 and 13 is building your social skills and trying to figure out your position socially,” she said. Just as when young children try out bad language and are corrected by their parents, teens, too, are trying out social behaviors to find out what works and where they fit.

“That’s much of what drives what we call bullying behavior at this age,” she said.

But what behaviors can be classified as bullying has become complicated by recent attention and legislation aimed at the problem. Lyman said she thinks of it in terms of “little ‘b’ and capital ‘B’ bullying.” The first is the unavoidable slew of small comments or actions that teens engage in. The second goes beyond that, Lyman said.

Capital ‘B’ bullying behavior is committed more than once per school year on school property with the intent to ridicule, harass, humiliate or intimidate, according to the Farmington schools policy. 

But, Lyman said, no matter how an offense is classified, if it’s causing serious harm to a child, it needs to be addressed. Brooke Stanziale, a guidance counselor at Irving Robbins, told parents that every reported incident is investigated and every child who reports a problem leaves the guidance office with a plan for what the child should do– Stanziale said students are told to inform the office of any other incidents – and what actions administrators will take to stop the behavior.

In the past five years, the school has implemented a respect initiative to teach students about bullying, how to deal with it and what it looks like. In the past year, Lyman said, the approach has become more aggressive, which has prompted more reporting.

“We have had more reports of incidents this year,” she said. And that’s good. One of the biggest problems school administrators face in dealing with bullying is just finding out that it’s happening.

Denise Sanady, school social worker who led the meeting, showed a clip of a Dateline segment in which unsuspecting girls were bystanders as actors portrayed a bully and victim. The girls’ moms watched from another room, expectantly waiting for their daughters to stick up for the victim.

The clip showed how the girls ignored the cruelty for quite a while, until one said something. That prompted the other girls to band together in the victim’s defense. That’s common, Sanady, said. If one person will stick up for someone, others often find the courage, too.

“We get them to look at ‘what is the role of the bystander?’ It really is the most powerful role,” she said.

Training kids that allies are powerful, and how to be an ally, is how the school is trying to combat bullying. One team has shown its students the Dateline segment, another a CBS program. Some teachers are also using movie clips that show positive and negative behavior and having the kids critique them.

“We’re trying to turn the tide to where the ally behavior is what’s respected,” Sanady said.

Instead of standing up to a bully, Stanziale said students are also encouraged to help victims get out of the situation.

“They can say, ‘why don’t you come with me’ and just get that person out of there,” she said.

The school is dotted with posters reinforcing the bully, ally, bystander, victim terminology and projects based on goals and respect are all over the walls and windows around classrooms.

Kids know the terms and what behavior is expected, Lyman said, but she admitted kids mock the terms. That’s okay, she said, because administrators can see it working.

Some parents were not convinced. One said she had reported an incident and nothing had been done – and that’s on top of years of suffering. Another parent said her son had simply stopped talking about how he was being bullied until she finally found out he was avoiding school to escape.

“The number of suspensions has remained consistent or dropped so we would like to think our policies are effective,” Lyman said. “Teachers are very attuned and when we do know about something, there’s an immediate response.”

Farmington Youth Officer Susan DiVenere told the parents they have another avenue. While bullying itself is not a punishable offense, DiVenere said crimes like assault, harassment and slurs about race, religion or gender — considered hate crimes, should be handled by the police.

“It’s important for kids to know adults are advocating for them,” she said. DiVenere responded to one parent, who said her child didn’t want her to say anything to the school, saying her child, too, had been mortified at the thought of mom interfering on her behalf. “In the end, when they know the adults took care of it and there were no ramifications, that’s the best thing you can give a child.”

Protection is necessary, too, though. DiVenere said that when it comes to dealing with technology, staying informed about the electronics your children are using and what they are doing with it is crucial.

She told them iPods are now being used to send text messages thanks to a new app and though blocking out phone usage when kids are at school is good, many find ways to get around it.

Look at your phone records, she said.

“You’re the adult. You’re responsible for the calls they make, the text messages they send.”

She advised checking kids’ Facebook pages and installing protective software on your computers. One program she mentioned records every keystroke made on a computer.

And while DiVenere said parents should know how kids are using the technology parents provide, some kids are going beyond that.

“Some kids go to WalMart and buy prepaid phones. They just keep loading on the time,” she said. “That’s relatively inexpensive and it’s basically untrackable.”